Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2007.... not exactly what I pictured it to be. This time last year my hubby and I were in a happy little bubble... we were expecting our first baby and only we knew. It was the most exciting time that I have ever known. The tests were all great and we couldn't wait for that first ultrasound. We kept saying... this time next year we will have a 4 month old and it will be it's first Thanksgiving. There was so much to be thankful for last year.....

This year I just can't seem to muster up that same feeling of being blessed. As I stare at the Christmas lights and decorations that are all ready taking over, I just get a deep down sick feeling that makes me want to just hide from the world. I have already told D that I am totally against putting up a tree, lights, or decorations of any kind. He looked hurt when I said it, but I don't think I can find it in me to do it... Memories just keep flooding me from last year.... we put up the tree while talking about baby names and nursery themes.... And then I had to stare at that same tree when I came home from surgery.

I just don't know if I will ever be that same person I was before the two losses.... I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all be better. My babies will be here with me... But it isn't going to happen and I just can't seem to move past that.... And as much as everyone tries to understand, trust me.... you just can't.