First steps in a long time...

I finally got up the courage to make an appointment with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). AKA someone who is going to help us have a baby... We hope.

I was a nervous wreck making the appointment, but I don't know why.... I never have a problem saying what I think, need, want, ect...

We couldn't make an appointment until J U N E!!! They are booked until then! So, I am really glad we called now, we need to get this show on the road! Now to begin collecting my medical records... I called for my films from my HSG in October and I also need the photos taken during both of my surgeries. My OB/GYN had my surgery reports ready today, so I picked those up. It is really hard to read "removed products of conception" when you know they are talking about Y O U R baby... Hurt my heart = (

Just so hard to read over how those procedures were done. I tried to do it like I was reading some other patient's information for school, but I couldn't. I knew it was my body, my baby. I shouldn't have even read them. Now I can't put them down...

In other news... I took my 5th unit test for Nursing 110 today.... 96%! We have a comprehensive final on Friday that I am really going crazy over. We have just learned so much information in 8 weeks. I have a B+ right now, but I am worried that will drop to a B- which could really affect my GPA.

Well, I best be off to studying... I must keep repeating to myself... Put down the surgery reports, put down the surgery reports, put down the surgery reports....

My World in Pictures

1.Go to photobucket.com
2.Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.
3.Only use the first two pages.Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.
4.Copy the html and paste it here.
5.You can only answer in picture form

1. What is your first name?


2. When is your birthday?


3. What kind of car do you want?


4. Where did/do you go to school?



5. What is your favorite season?


6. What is your favorite type of shoe?


7. What is your status?


8. What is your favorite movie?


9. What is your favorite song?


10. Who is your favorite Disney character?


11. What is your favorite clothing line?



12. What is your favorite vacation destination? TROPICAL


13. What is your favorite dessert?


14. What is your favorite letter?


15. What are you most afraid of?



16. What is your favorite TV show?


17. What annoys you the most? FOR RIGHT NOW.... (but not always!)


18. What is your job?


19. What's your favorite animal?


20. How old are you?

Remembering Cashew (pregnancy #2)

Saturday the 12th, 2008 was my estimated date of delivery for my second pregnancy. Had this pregnancy been ok, I would have delivered somewhere around thise time.... So, this is all I have to remember our little Cashew by... He is in heaven with his sibling, our little Peanut.

We couldn't get to the park Saturday to do our ballon/letter release like we did on my first EDD for Peanut. We hope to get there next Saturday. I *NEED* that release... That last time to say goodbye to what I only got to hold onto for 3 short weeks.... (we lost Cashew at 7 weeks)

We Love You Cashew and We Miss You



**Please continue to pray for my new nephew, born Thursday, Jan. 10th, 2008. As of today he is still in the NICU and will probably be there a few more days.

R E S O L U T I O N S

1. Get Healthy

2. Stop Procratinating (school, housework, ect)

3. More quality time with Hubby

AND MOST IMPORTANT

4. Move Past the Past... move on, but don't forget (this is a H A R D one)


Ok, so everyone makes these crazy things, but I really want to at least accomplish a few of them. I want to start living again. Since we have lost our two pregnancies I think I have stopped living.... Time to move forward and realize each day is new and no matter what we love our babies, but they are not here and I can't do anything to bring them back.

Hubby and I are really looking forward to a great year together. We want to get healthy (diet and exercise).... so that should be interesting! Time to feel good...

So, here is to 2008!

In My Dreams

In my dreams I see your face
Then I reach out to try and trace
Those little lines that crease your nose
And when you smile I come close

In my dreams I see your big, dark eyes
And I can hear your tiny cries
I pick you up and hold you tight
Singing lullabies througout the night

In my dreams you are so small
To little yet to even crawl
Your tiny fingers wrapped in mine
Your precious face etched in time

In my dreams all is right
I hold you in my arms so tight
No one will ever take you from me
My sweet little baby that just couldn't be

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2007.... not exactly what I pictured it to be. This time last year my hubby and I were in a happy little bubble... we were expecting our first baby and only we knew. It was the most exciting time that I have ever known. The tests were all great and we couldn't wait for that first ultrasound. We kept saying... this time next year we will have a 4 month old and it will be it's first Thanksgiving. There was so much to be thankful for last year.....

This year I just can't seem to muster up that same feeling of being blessed. As I stare at the Christmas lights and decorations that are all ready taking over, I just get a deep down sick feeling that makes me want to just hide from the world. I have already told D that I am totally against putting up a tree, lights, or decorations of any kind. He looked hurt when I said it, but I don't think I can find it in me to do it... Memories just keep flooding me from last year.... we put up the tree while talking about baby names and nursery themes.... And then I had to stare at that same tree when I came home from surgery.

I just don't know if I will ever be that same person I was before the two losses.... I keep thinking I will wake up and it will all be better. My babies will be here with me... But it isn't going to happen and I just can't seem to move past that.... And as much as everyone tries to understand, trust me.... you just can't.